Genesis 

Okay, I did not realize that the Bible comes out the gate swinging. First, we learn that a woman needs to obey man; also like, the story of Adam and Eve was maybe one page. I had thought there would be more information about the literal creation of mankind.

Why does the Bible say everyone is like 900 years old? Am I missing something? Noah is lives to be 950 years old. Methuselah (not a hard name to spell when you break it up, but I do hope I’m not pronouncing in correctly) is 969 (not a hard number to remember, but my goodness do I feel bad for that first 9) years old.

I can’t believe that God created all these people, like, he really did his work, and then was like, “Actually, *clicks tounge I messed this up. Like, you guys are bad, you’re sick, you’re twisted. I need to just start over so I’m just gonna flood it.”

Noah plants a vineyard. He then gets blotto and passes out naked. Ham, the son of Noah, tells his brothers, Shem and Japheth to cover their daddy up. Noah then curses him???? To be a servant???

Circumcision… Why did God say a fresh fade is a symbol of his relationship with man? Genital mutilation is an agreement with God? wtf? The Bible does not even explain why. (A cut editor’s note: The foreskin holds a shit ton of sensitive nerve endings. The world don’t need hornier men.)

God just being like, “Boop! ur[sic] name isn’t Abram anymore. It’s Abraham. Sarais’ name is Sarah… and u guys are old af but I need u[sic] to have a kid rn.”

Okay. Incest also dropped early with a man named Lot and his two daughters. They both got him drunk and slept with him to preserve the lineage?????? GIRLS!!!!! Yes, daddy? 

Can’t [can] believe people love this book. New York Times Bestseller! The critics rave! 

Abraham / Sarah sister, Isaac / Rebecca sister? What's up with these guys saying their wives are so hot they have to call them their sisters. God then calls Abraham out like, “Bro, you gotta stop lying saying she’s your sister.” Abraham checks God and is like, “Lowkey, she is my sister. We have the same mom. So now what? God was like, “Alright, true. But just stop saying it!”

I’m not even getting into the Abraham Isaac sacrifice of it all.

-Zoe