Genesis II
Sau / Jacob / Blessing
Jacob wants to be with Rachel, his cousin. He knows she’s his cousin. He works seven years for Rachel. (positive masculinity, where did this energy go) Jacob ends up being with Leah, Rachel’s older sister instead. He works another seven years to get Rachel. Because of his love for Rachel more than Leah, God says, “Ummm, no kids for Rachel and Leah gets four sons.” Rachel’s a jealous beyosh (understandable) and says, “Go Handmaid's Tale style on my servant.” Rachel’s servant then has two of Jacob’s sons. Then Leah is like, “Bet! Here’s my servant too!” Jacob has two more sons via Leah’s servant. Leah has two sons and a daughter. They’re essentially in a child-bearing-off. Finally God is like, “Ok ok ok Rachel, here’s a kid.” They have Joseph. Jacob has a billion kids by his two cousins and their servants.
Jacob’s only daughter, Dinah, is sexually assaulted by this guy, Shechem. Shechem is in love with her and is like, “I’ll do whatever I gotta do to be with her.” Jacob and his sons find out and they’re like, “Okay, you can be with her, but only if you and everyone here get circumcised.” So they all get circumcised but Jacob’s sons are like, “SIKE!” and they murder Shechem and every man in the town. They steal all of their stuff and their wives and kids. Jacob’s like, “Okay, this actually sucks for me because now everyone’s gonna blame me. We gotta bounce.”
Rachel gets preggo again but dies in childbirth. RIP (Does the Bible say where she ended up for all eternity?)
God randomly changes Jacob’s name to Israel. (Continuity error)
Jacob/Israel’s first born son is with Leah. Rueben (who tf?) hooks up with Rachel's servant. So his half siblings mom? Israel finds out but tbd if that leads to drama.
I hate how much they’re using the word “concubine”.
Israel loves his son Joseph more than all the others and makes him a fancy robe. Is this because of Rachel? All of Joseph’s brothers hate him because he’s the fav and he goes to his brothers like, “Please let me tell you about my dream!” They’re like, “Literally we don’t care.” Joseph begs. Finally, they’re like, “Okay so…” The dream is about how they should all bow down to Joseph. His brothers are like, “Oksy, so ur[sic] dream is about how u[sic] rule over us? God get over yourself.”
Joseph has another dream, “Brothers! Guess what?! In this dream, the sun, moon, and even stars bowed to me!” Joseph’s dad is like, “Ummm okay anyways! But I’ll remember that.”
Joseph's brothers then see him coming over a hill one day and are like, “We should just kill him.” They literally say “Look, the dreamer is coming.”
They end up taking his fancy robe off and they’re like, “Well we can’t make any money off him if he’s dead so let’s just sell him.” So they sell him and he’s off to Egypt.
In Egypt, Joseph is a dream interpreter. He is the only person that can tell the pharaoh's dreams mean seven years of good harvest and seven years of famine.
Joseph helped backstock enough food to get Egypt through the famine. During the seven years of famine, all of Joseph’s brothers come because they need food. They don’t recognize Joseph, but Joseph recognizes them. He’s like, “Ur[sic] literally my opps.” They’re like, “No.” He then throws them in jail but is like, “Actuallllyyyy just bring me the youngest brother.” (Joseph’s only full brother, Benjamin) So they come back with Benji. Joseph gives them all dinner and cries by himself.
Benji steals from Joseph. Joseph sends people to catch them. When all of the brothers come back, he’s like, “The jig is up. Guess what bitches? It’s me ur[sic] brother, Joseph.” They're all sooooo remorseful and he’s like, “It’s okay. Let’s put the past in the past. Just bring dad here.”
The brothers bring Jacob/Israel to Egypt. Jacob/Israel dies and he basically says like, “U[sic] guys are all amazing. Except the first three. U[sic] guys suck.”
Then Joseph dies.
-Z
