
Numbers
god asks moses to build an army and its 603,550 men
god differentiates between the israelites and the levites, descendants of levi one of jacob’s sons, and moses dad.
remember exodus pt I levi and mrs levi had moses and put him in the river? yeah that levi.
lots of rules about who is in charge of what, levites are in charge of maintaining the temples
God says to Moses that if a guy thinks that his wife is cheating on him, but he doesn’t have any proof they have to go to the priest, and the priest has to put the woman under oath in loosen her hair and make her drink a bitter water, and if she didn’t cheat, then she’ll be fine but if she did she then the water is gonna curse her in the curses that she will miscarry and her abdomen will swell. nothing about men cheating.
there’s a cloud over the tabernacle (temple/ camp) and they move w the cloud??
the israelites move and the people start arguing
people start complaining about how hard their lives are and God is not feeling it and is upset with them for being upset and so he starts a fire that burns some of their camp so then the people start crying to Moses like what the hell and Moses prays and the fire dies down
theyre getting they’re really hungry and there’s like no food at all and they’re complaining and Moses goes to God and God is pissed and Moses is like what have I ever done to you to deserve this like now I’m responsible for everybody and it’s unfair. He says “did I conceive all these people? did I give birth to them? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms as a nurse carries an infant“ SASSY!!!Moses is like I just simply cannot be responsible for all these people. It’s way too much and they’re so upset and I feel like it’s not my fault but they think it’s my fault because I’m doing what you’re telling me to do and God is like oh OK I didn’t realize you guys had such a problem with it and if you want meat so bad, I’m gonna give you so much meat you’re not even gonna know what to do. you will eat it for soooo long until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it because you you’re complaining
right as rain god makes a bunch of qual come down and everyone’s so happy but while it was still in their mouths he made it go plague style on them bc he was still pissed at them
ok so miriam and aaron (moses brother and sister) are talking shit they’re like why does moses think he’s all that like he’s the prophet or whatever like we can be prophets too and god comes down and is like i’m soooooo sick of you two talking shit and made miriam a leper
God tells Moses to tell some people to go explore so they can find the land that God has promised them and they see it. They’re like this is amazing. There’s so much gorgeous food and fruit and milk and honey, but for some reason everybody there is huge and we are really small compared to them so there’s no way we’re gonna be able to go in and take their land and the Israelites are like ughhhhhh are you serious we wish we would’ve just died in egypt it would’ve been better for us maybe we should just pick one of us to be the leader and we’ll go back to Egypt cause we’re tired of this. It’s way too much and God comes down and is like i’m over you guys like I’m I’m sorry I’m gonna kill all of you. He is trying to go Noah’s Ark again and Moses is like listen. You’re being a little bit hasty. It will kinda look bad for you if you do that because you just took them out of Egypt and told everybody these are your people, but then you’re gonna kill all of them so the math isn’t nothing and word is gonna get back to Egypt and then what are you gonna have and God is like OK you know me I’m really slow to anger and I am the most loving person everrrr and I’m very forgiving so I’m gonna chill but this lik group who went out and told everybody that all the people in the promised land are huge. They’re gonna die. They’re gonna get a plague.
Now some other Levi’s are upset and Moses is like you guys are so annoying. We gave you a nice job just like taking care of the temples and you still want more like this is ridiculous and I know you guys don’t believe that I’m talking to God, but I am so basically I’ll prove that God is real right now and if the Earth opens up and swallows you whole then you’ll know that I am talking to God and then the Earth opens up and swallows them whole and it really freaks everybody else out because that was like 250 people who died so then everyone’s pissed at Moses and aaron because they’re like you just killed all those people and God steps in and says all right get out of here let big dog take care of this and he puts a plaque on everybody and then almost 15,000 people die so
now they’re somewhere w no water and everyone’s pissed again and god is like alright moses go bang on this rock and water will come out and so it does
now they’re complaining about food again and god sends venomous snakes that bite and kill them and they’re like omg we’re sorry and god is like ok make everyone who was bitten look at the snake and they can live
land battles
miriam dies aaron dies
god announces successor to moses, joshua
the Israelites go back and basically eliminate some of the people that they were fighting with earlier for land
lord tells moses to take over some land and destroy all their stuff or else
they need to marry within their tribal clans to keep their land inheritance per clan